Listening seems like a simple-enough skill, but why is it so difficult to master? The short answer: your brain gets in the way! Your brain is wired to quickly process information based on your past experiences so that you can make a judgement or decision. This is incredibly useful in some scenarios, but conversations are not one of them. Processing information when you should be listening may cause you to miss important pieces of information, make incorrect assumptions, or make the speaker feel you aren’t listening. The result can be devastating for our relationships.
On the other hand, if you are perceived as a good listener, it will pay dividends in your relationships and career. Good listeners have high-quality relationships because they make other people feel heard and valued. Also, they tend to make better, more informed decisions because they take multiple perspectives into account. Hone your listening skills to improve your relationships with the following tips:
- Focus on the speaker. This tip may sound basic, but if you are used to multi-tasking, getting your mind to be still and focus only on the conversation can be a challenge. During a conversation, catch yourself: are you thinking of what you’re going to say next? Are you looking at your phone or answering emails? Try your best not to have thoughts running in the background or to make judgments in advance of the speaker finishing what they have to say.
- Notice nonverbals — yours and theirs! Experts maintain that nonverbal cues can account for over 70% of communications. Pay attention to not just the words the speaker says, but also their posture, facial expressions, and tone of voice. For example, if they appear nervous, make them feel comfortable by making eye contact. And using nonverbal cues like nodding shows that you are invested in what they have to say.
- Clarify their message. Once they are done speaking, summarize what you’ve heard before offering a reply or asking another question. If you’re not clear, ask clarifying questions in a supportive, sincere tone. Do not be critical or judgmental when asking clarifying questions. Whether or not you’re perceived as a good listener depends on how supportive and engaged you appear to be during the conversation. Show them that you’re there to listen, not to invalidate their thoughts or make judgments.
- Validate their feelings. If someone is emotional, empathize, don’t dismiss, and don’t rush to come up with solutions. If you have advice, ask them if they are interested in hearing it. You might think you’re being helpful, but sometimes the speaker just needs to vent and feel heard.
- Ask for feedback. You may think that you’re a great listener, but what matters is how you are perceived. Solicit constructive feedback from others, such as your spouse, friend, trusted colleague or mentor, and ask for ideas on how you can improve.
Listening isn’t always easy. We’re wired to assess situations quickly and make judgments, which is the opposite of what we should be doing when we are actively listening to someone else! Although challenging, being a good listener is key to having meaningful, trusted relationships. When you are tuned in to the speaker, their message, and their emotions, you will make them feel supported and heard, which is a crucial part of being perceived as an effective listener. Try these tips during your next conversation and reap the rewards!